Stolen Goods

So uh, in the past two weeks, one of my only pairs of shoes and my bike have both been stolen. Ouch. On the flip side, my OSAP came in, and I’m filthy “rich”. So I guess the joke’s on the robbers: they can have my smelly old shoes and my clunky falling apart bike. I’m definitely using this as a fantastic excuse to go SHOPPING!

Good Comebacks

Good comebacks never occur to you until after the moment as passed. As I was biking down a quiet side street, I couldn’t help wondering why there was an old man walking in the bike lane on the opposite side of the street. I think he noticed me looking, because as I passed, he said snidely, “Forgot your helmet?” I replied somewhat lamely “I don’t have one.” Five seconds later, when my chance had passed, it occurred to me that what I should have said instead was “Couldn’t find the sidewalk?”

Throwback Sunday: Remember My Uncle’s Father of the Bride Speech?

At my cousin Vela’s wedding on Saturday, my Uncle, father of the bride, was giving his speech, when suddenly things took a turn for the interesting.
“My daughter and Perry met while going to school in O-town, and there was someone very special in O-town who was the very first person in this room to meet Perry,” he began.
I thought: I’m one of the only people who Vela knew in O-town who is at this wedding. Who else in O-town got to meet Perry?
“That person,” my Uncle continued, “was my niece-”
Me: Oh. No.
“-Anna, who is here tonight. Conversely, Vela was the very first person to meet Anna’s friend, Reese, who the rest of us are meeting tonight for the very first time.”
My thoughts: AHHH!!! Why is this happening!?!
“Welcome Reese. You probably thought you could sneak in here without being subjected to any humiliation. Well, would the two of you please stand up and take a bow?”
I thought: Is this for real? This kind of thing never happens in real life.
But we did stand and bow, Reese with a bemused little smile his face, while I was red as a tomato, secretly convinced that this was the last time Reese would ever agree to come to a family thing again.
In fact, Reese showed up to family brunch the very next day, impressing us with his imperviousness to family attempts to humiliate him.
And that’s the story of how my Uncle embarrassed me in front of 120 guests at my cousin’s wedding, proving that for him, not even the father of the bride speech is sacred from the opportunity to tease his helpless niece.