Yesterday, I asked Reese: Would you wait for me if I went into a coma for 16 years?
Reese replied, “If you fell into a coma for 16 years, I’d harvest your organs for cash.”
He’s soooo romantic
Customer: Can I get a cappuccino? I heard your cappuccinos are really good.
We start to get it ready, when suddenly, he interprets us.
Customer: Does it have milk in it?
Oliver and I exchange looks.
Oliver: Uh? Yes.
Customer: Oh, I can’t drink milk. I’ll just get a coffee then.
What on earth does he think a cappuccino is??
Yesterday, I had coffee with a friend. She told me how she had dropped her phone in the toilet and I asked her if she put it in rice. This was her response: “Well, you see, people put their phone in rice and the rice attracts Asian people. Then the Asian people climb into your house through your chimney and eat all your cookies and the rice and then they take your phone and fix it. But since I’m already Asian, that doesn’t work for me! So no, I did not put my phone in rice.”
My dear friend, you are hilarious!
At my cousin Vela’s wedding on Saturday, my Uncle, father of the bride, was giving his speech, when suddenly things took a turn for the interesting.
“My daughter and Perry met while going to school in O-town, and there was someone very special in O-town who was the very first person in this room to meet Perry,” he began.
I thought: I’m one of the only people who Vela knew in O-town who is at this wedding. Who else in O-town got to meet Perry?
“That person,” my Uncle continued, “was my niece-”
Me: Oh. No.
“-Anna, who is here tonight. Conversely, Vela was the very first person to meet Anna’s friend, Reese, who the rest of us are meeting tonight for the very first time.”
My thoughts: AHHH!!! Why is this happening!?!
“Welcome Reese. You probably thought you could sneak in here without being subjected to any humiliation. Well, would the two of you please stand up and take a bow?”
I thought: Is this for real? This kind of thing never happens in real life.
But we did stand and bow, Reese with a bemused little smile his face, while I was red as a tomato, secretly convinced that this was the last time Reese would ever agree to come to a family thing again.
In fact, Reese showed up to family brunch the very next day, impressing us with his imperviousness to family attempts to humiliate him.
And that’s the story of how my Uncle embarrassed me in front of 120 guests at my cousin’s wedding, proving that for him, not even the father of the bride speech is sacred from the opportunity to tease his helpless niece.